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Scoundrels Patter

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Monte Patter: Spieling the Broads

(From "The School for Scoundrels Notes on Three-Card Monte.")

The patter of the monte dealer is an essential part of the scam. It is his way of drawing a crowd and entertaining them, as well as a means of misdirection, and often a code by which he can direct the members of his mob. Darwin Ortiz in Gambling Scams tells of a situation in which a young man was trying to pull his lady, already firmly on the hook, away from the game.

The operator used his rhyming patter to direct his shills to “block her man.” A shill then interrupted the young man and kept him busy while the woman was cleaned out. (By the way, Ortiz has one of the best and most helpful descriptions of the game we’ve found in print.)

The dealer will often go from the rhyming patter which he uses with his repetitive throws and displays, to asides and jokes with the crowd, and then to direct instructions and one-on-one give and take with the suckers. He has to establish a fun and non-threatening environment, and at the same time project energy and excitement.

His sing-song ballyhoo, much like an auctioneer’s spiel, gives a sense of urgency and confusion at the same time. He can’t just stand and wait for a crowd to come over. He has to be moving the cards around and making a pitch at all times. His nonsensical doggerel helps overcome the monotony of the necessary constant repetition of the same themes.
Once he has drawn a crowd, he switches to a method of speaking that sweeps up the spectators and forces them to think along with him, following his line of reasoning uncritically. Professor Maurer writes about this type of speech:

Any grifter who spiels the nuts or tosses the broads will superimpose on his regional and social dialect certain synthetic elements which can be best described as a kind of artificial platform English. It is used to control people of a certain kind for a certain purpose. It must be clear and plainly understood. It glories in excesses of hypercorrectness, both in usage and pronunciation. Its intonation, stress, and juncture pattern is time-tested and guaranteed, when used by a master, to produce exactly the human responses which the grifter needs to operate his racket. It is the speech of the medicine show. We hear echoes of it in the speech of certain backwoods politicians and fringe-type evangelists. The great comedian W. C. Fields thoroughly mastered this style of speech, then based his acting career on a subtle burlesque of it.
—David Maurer, The American Confidence Man, p. 258.

The con man adopts a tone of patience and confidence, but that is slightly condescending. He takes on the manner of authority. In adopting this sort of speech, he wants to take over the thinking processes of his listeners. He seems to always be making good sense, and always seeking agreement. “I always have two chances to your one, you understand? I only pay on the Ace.”

Beyond the style of speech, patter itself is a powerful tool that can work as misdirection. It can cover a discrepancy in a move, or distract the audience in their thinking. A joke or line that makes the audience think can be like a thrown barstool when someone is being chased—it slows down the pursuers.

We talked earlier about how a ploy like “calling a card face down” can lead the audience past a switch like the double-lift or top-change. The throw of the cards should always be made with appropriate patter that leads the spectator’s thinking into agreement with what the operator wants them to believe.

The following lines come from the literature, from magicians’ patter, and from the contributions of our students and others that have collected lines used by actual monte dealers. This is an important resource for creating authentic-sounding routines. We are always on the lookout for this type of material, and appreciate any contributions to this ongoing effort to make a record of it.

Some lines will fit in with a performer’s chosen character and some won’t. Be careful to always choose from the lines that fit both the period and the style of your performance character.

Names for Three-Card Monte

The Broads, Tossing the Broads—American grifter slang
Three-Card Monte—American
Chase the Ace—American
Three Card Molly—African-American slang
The Three Card Trick—English
Find the Lady—English
Cherchez La Femme—American
Bonneteau—France
Texas Twist, Texas Tornado, Country Boy—Texas version of closed monte.
1 - 2 - 3 klaveraas (1 - 2 - 3 ace of clubs) --The Netherlands
Kummelblatchen -- Germany

Patter for Three-Card Monte

“Here you are, gentlemen, this Ace of Hearts is the winning card. Watch it closely.
“Follow it with your eye as I shuffle. Here it is, and now here, now here, and now—where?
“If you point it out the first time, you win; but if you miss, you lose.
“Here it is, you see; now watch it again. This Ace of Hearts, gentlemen, is the winning card.
“I take no bets from paupers, cripples or orphan children. The Ace of Hearts.
“It is my regular trade, gentlemen, to move my hands quicker than your eyes. I always have two chances
to your one. The Ace of Hearts.
“If your sight is quick enough, you beat me and I pay; if not, I beat you and take your money.
“The Ace of Hearts; who will go me twenty? It is very plain and simple, but you can’t always tell. Here
you are, gentlemen; the Ace, and the Ace. Who will go me twenty dollars?”
— Albert D. Richardson, Beyond the Mississippi, 1869.

“All right, folks, this is a playing game, not a watching game. Ten will get you twenty and twenty will
get you forty. I don’t get sore when I lose and I’m glad when you win.”
“Hi diddle diddle, the Queen is in the middle. When the money goes down, the lady can’t be found!”
“Red you choose, black you lose!”
“You bet too fast—You’ll never last.
You bet too slow—You got to go.”
—Frank Garcia, Don’t Bet On It, 1978.

“Up today, down tomorrow;
Rich man’s luck and poor man’s sorrow…
Maybe you win, maybe you lose—
It all depends on what you choose.
If you pick the queen, then you win…
If you pick a black card—you play again…
Find the Lady! Find the Lady!
Cherchez la femme!”
—Black monte-tosser who worked Sportsman’s Park and Race Track
on the outskirts of Chicago as related by Johnny Thompson, Jan 98.

“Chase the Ace, don’t ride the Bee.
Only a little fool would ride a bee like that.
He’s gonna get stung.
The Ace—that’s where the hive is.
That’s where the honey is, that’s where the money is…”
—Anonymous

“This is the sugar, this is the honey.
This is the one that gets you the money.
Sometimes it creeps, sometimes it crawls;
Sometimes it’s not where you think at all…”
—Gary Norsigian, Las Vegas, 1999.

Hey, diddle, diddle, the Ace is in the middle
When the money goes down, the honey can’t be found!
My hands are faster than your eyes.
Not one man in ten can follow the Ace.
I’ve got two chances to your one.
I only take one bet at a throw,
And that the highest wager…
Place your bet, I pay on the Ace;
Not on the Jokers.
Chase the ace—
It’s a walk in the park
With a smile on your face.
No bet counts, no card is read—
Until there’s money on the barrelhead.
We’re playing a game called Chase the Ace,
You have to guess from the back what’s on the face.
Once I mix the cards around,
You tell me where the Ace is found
Hey! Step this way!
Come here and play!
This is the game for the sporting fan,
Try your luck with the Monte Man!
—Whit Haydn

Money comes and money goes;
You must adopt a sanguine pose…
You drop a buck; here comes a fin.
I don’t cry when I lose;
I don’t laugh when I win.
Place your bet, take a chance again.
I don’t cry when I lose;
I don’t laugh when I win.
You never gain if you don’t start,
You’ve got the eyes but not the heart.

Easy come, easy go—
You get up in the dark,
You stub your toe…
when a woman loses:
It’s another case of smart women, and bad choices…
—Whit Haydn

I didn’t start tossing the monte until I was ten,
I pretty much wasted the first nine years of my life.
—old magic line

When shill and sucker keep raising each other:
First day on the job and I hit the big time!
—monte player in the movie The Super, 1991.

Holding up a $100 bill:
Oh, filthy lucre! What crimes are committed in your name?
If you pick the Ace you walk away with this suitably engraved memento of the occasion.
—Clarke Gable, in the movie Honky Tonk, 1941

By the hoodoo, voodoo, hindoo
Ancient and noble art of prestidigitation…
—Riverboat gambler in Disney's Adventures of Davy Crockett, 1955.
Great line from the thimble-rig sequence at the Alamo.

Ladies and gentlemen, you will notice I have three cards crimped vertically so as to be indistinguishable. I mix the cards up. I mix you up. I don’t get mad when I lose, I get happy when I win. You sweatin’, or bettin’? I say you can’t find the queen. You might think you can. And if you can, I suggest you do, and make yourself a little moola.
Black you win, red you lose, It all depends on the card you choose. Who sees it?
—Galperin, Jeffrey, What it Takes to Win at Three-Card Monte, Esquire Magazine,
October, 1979.

A little game from Hanky Poo, the black for me the red for you - all you have to do is to keep your eyes on the little lady - ten gets you twenty, twenty gets you forty ... now here we go ... keep your eyes on the lady."
Dai 'The Professor' Vernon / Further Inner Secrets of Card Magic

Shell Game Patter: Spieling the Nuts

Patter for the shell game is used the same way as that for the three-card monte. Many lines can be used for either game, or easily adapted.

Names for The Shell Game

Nuts and Berries --American Grifter Slang
The Dinks --American Grifter Slang
Three Musketeers --American Grifter Slang (rare)
Thimble-Rig --English. Actually refers to the thimble version of the game
The Nuts --American Grifter Slang
Three Shell Game --American
Hutchenspiel -- German
balletje - balletje -- The Netherlands

Patter for the Shell Game

A little fun, just now and then,
Is relished by the best of men.
If you have nerve, you may have plenty;
Five draws you ten, and ten draws twenty.
Attention given, I'll show to you,
How 'Umbrella' hides the peek-a-boo.
Select your shell, the one you choose;
If right, you win; if not, you lose;
The game itself is lots of fun,
Jim's chances, though, are two to one;
And I tell you your chance is slim
To win a prize from Umbrella Jim.
--"Umbrella Jim" Miner

A little fun just now and then
Is relished by the best of men.
If you have nerve, then you’ll have plenty—
Five draws you ten, and ten draws twenty.
Attention given, I’ll show to you
How old Pop hides the Peek a Boo.
The little pea is hid beneath a shell,
And where it lands, few eyes can tell.
You pick a shell, whichever one you choose—
If right you win, if wrong you lose.
It’s a little game from Hanky Poo,
Two for me and one for you.
The game itself is lots of fun,
My chances though are two to one.
So show me, show me, if you can,
(So show your lady if you can,)
How to win a prize from the shell-game man.
--Version of spiel from "Umbrella Jim" Miner. Revised by Whit Haydn

Gentlemen, it is my regular trade to deceive the eye with the quickness of the hand.
I never take bets from paupers, widows, or orphan children.
I always have two chances to your one.
If your eyesight is keen, then you beat me and I pay you;
If not, then I beat you and you pay me.
Just follow the little pea.
It’s all plain and simple but you can’t always tell.
Who will go me twenty dollars? Who wants to pick a shell?
— Version of spiel from Albert D.Richardson, Beyond the Mississippi, 1869. Revised by Whit Haydn

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee,
Both had eyes but couldn’t see.
You’ve got the eyes but not the heart—
You never win if you don’t start.
--Whit Haydn

"I don't think there is a pea under any of the shells."
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy,
That’s a bet that costs you forty!
You’re gonna walk away bereft,
You should have picked the one that’s left.
Your pocket’s just a little light,
You should have picked the one that’s right.
--Whit Haydn

Hey, diddle diddle it’s the one in the middle!

It’s a simple game, just a little race,
It’s a walk in the park with a smile on your face.
--Whit Haydn

Up today, down tomorrow,
Rich man’s luck and poor man’s sorrow.
You may win, and you may lose—
It all depends on what you choose.
—Black monte-tosser who worked Sportsman’s Park and Race Track
on the outskirts of Chicago as related by Johnny Thompson, Jan 98

This is the sugar, this is the honey.
This is the one that get’s you the money.
Sometimes it creeps, sometimes it crawls.
Sometimes it’s not where you think at all.
(Sometimes it’s just like a cannon ball)
—Gary Norsigian, Las Vegas, 1999.

Money comes and money goes,
You must adopt a sanguine pose.
You lose a buck, here comes a fin.
I don’t cry when I lose, I don’t laugh when I win.
Follow the pea, gentlemen. Not the shells.
I don’t always leave the pea under the same shell it started from.
Follow the pea, Gentlemen.
--anonymous

By the hoodoo, voodoo, hindoo
Ancient and noble art of prestidigitation…
--Thimble-Rig in The Adventures of Davy Crockett

Don’t just sit there on your thumb,
I need a man who’s adventuresome.
I don’t want Tom, Dick or Jerry,
I need a sport to be my Huckleberry.
Lord have mercy on this sinner,
I think I’ve got another winner.
A game I learned in Hanky-Poo,
Where the sky is green and the grass is blue.
--Whit Haydn

I bring you poetry and magic,
And most importantly—silver, gentlemen.
Silver! The very backbone of our economy—
The musical promise behind every paper note.
The faint white gleam of silver, gentlemen!
The stuff of both dreams and madness.
It can lead a virtuous woman astray--
Or worse, can lead a man to work for pay.
--Whit Haydn

I am a reformed gambler, and I have a mind to amend my ways.
I want to show you how to protect yourself from unscrupulous rogues such as I once was,
and offer this free demonstration of the devil’s playthings.

It’s game I learned in Hanky-Pay,
Where the sun comes up like thunder over China cross’t the bay.

Gold may glisten like the sun,
But silver shines when day is done.

In the darkness like the night, the pea is hidden from our sight.

Hey, diddle, diddle—the pea is in the middle.
When the money goes down, the little pea can not be found.

When money talks nobody walks.

There is fun when the shells begin to dance,
And silver for those who risk a chance.
Perspicacity and wit, and little capital,
That’s all you need, gentlemen,
to walk away with my hard earned money.
I wouldn’t cheat you for a million dollars…
How much do you actually have on you, son?
--Whit Haydn

Its not that you can't trust me,
Its that you have to know when to trust me.
--Chef Anton

Hey diddle, diddle, the pea is in the middle:
We know where it is,
We know where it’s not,
We know when we’re cold,
We know when we’re hot.
So now we come to the time for precision,
Middle or end, you must make your decision!
--Ed Parrish

Here’s the easiest game that you’ve ever seen,
Just point to the shell that hides the bean!
Two chances for me. You’ve one out of three,
Unless your sharp eyes can follow the pea,
So now pick a shell, the one that you’ve seen,
When we pick it up – there’s no flash of green.
--Ed Parrish

Hi-diddle-dee, let’s play again,
We know that the pea starts out on the end,
But it matters not where the pea begins,
Just say where it stops, and you’re going to win!
--Ed Parrish

Just for the lovers, I’ll draw out a heart,
We know that the pea is here when it starts,
Here, let me show you. Ah yes, there it is,
Another heart broken. Let me show you this,
This is the lasso, done here left to right,
And now we reverse it, don’t trust in your sight,
For now, my young friend, you must pick a nut,
Don’t play with your mind – follow your gut.
--Ed Parrish

Fast and Loose Patter: Spieling the Chain

Whit Haydn∞